Snap, crackle and pop !

Snap, crackle and pop !
A young man spits out,
Like a toad on the road,
Right in front of my friend and I.





He is young, homeless and

undoubtedly on drugs.

The look in his eye,

As if he's seen a ghost!



I take it personally,

and lash out verbally at my friend,

When we get home.





The young man reminds me of a town,

That is deserted, that doesent care.

Helplessly, I wish there was someone,

To intervene.



To stop violent and disorderly behaviour--

But he just walks away [normal ? its expected]



My ex was homeless--the father of my child.

I don't see him anymore,

But he's still around--putting me down, [real or imagined]

Rumours spread like wildfire in this town.



And I cry to my current partner

Although he wears a frown.

I cling for fear of being driven down the river,

And washed out to sea,

Until I drown.







It was 1990, I was in Leeds, visiting my sisters, Sue and Ann.

All day, talk of going out to a nightclub-- in town, an industrial warehouse, a factory for music, famous in the city.



But we did'nt go, Sues boyfriend said there was a party in a friends house. We went and the boys played heavy metal all night long. Thrash metal, turned up loud.



I got tired by 12, and by 2am, I was lying on the floor of the storeroom, shutting it all out.





Paris; I stood outside of the busy restaurant, and peered in. There was a live band playing, and people dining out'



I stared, but I did not go in. It was raining.





Sarahs, sister is so talented. In her shiny lime coloured shoes, sparkly jeans and diamante jacket, she looks so effavescent.

Working in fashion industry-she went to Indonesia, last time I heard.



Shes as different from Sarah, as the SW is to the SE, but shes certainly trying, and I think she polishes up as bright as a button.



Shes also perserving, and idealistic. She knows how to communicate, and can enthuse a crowd,

With her signature designs, looks and personality, I'm sure she'll go far.



Maybe a future, CoCo Chanel or Zandra Rhodes, in the making

22/08/09.

Today, Dennis and I were in Llanfair House, Mumbles, swansea.
We have come for a break. The weather was changable today, we spent most of the day, indoors.
Tomorrow is sunday, so we can rest after a big roast lunch !
There is a cat here, called Lucky, a blue budgie, and an aquarium, full of tropical fish !

The people here are very approachable, many different people all relaxing, or on respite !

6/8/09

People going everywhere,
Doing their own thing.
Some happy, some sad.
Business people,
Parents with children,
All fitting in.

I hate my body,
Squeeze spots of pus.
The reflection in the mirror,
Tells me, I am a wuss.

A wuzz for not fitting in,
A wuss for hiding the shame.
I'm disabled, and different,
I don't fit into the game.

If had a farthing, for
every little shame,
I'd be a millionaire-
like on celebrity whats it name.

But I've no job, no self respect, no farthing.
My wage is the welfare system,
the Giro, my darling.

I might as well be labelled inferior
And gassed in Hitlers cleansing programme.
I cry when I sing this song, my eyes,
Water, as if I knew all along.
I'll never be the one to meet the grade--
I'm too pushy, too weak, too lame.

All along I sat on the back burner, the fence.
Far too long, i've been given recompense,
For a disease of the mind,
A disease, i think of as normal,
When hungry minds salivate,
They salivate over Jorden

19/7/09

Shes like a lioness with cubs,
fearless and bold.
Hunting her prey,
With the stealth of a Timex watch.

As natural as spa water,
As refreshing as the fiercest forests,
Courageous as orchids, snowbells and,
crocus in spring.

Life comes to test you,
to draw you back in.


The rose early morning dew on petals,
smells so pure.
A sweet incandescent scent to all.
the tides may come and go til dawn.
all is a midsummer garden,
Alive and full.

Shes the knight in shining armour,
conquest is her battalion,
ahead of her game.
jousting her opponent
riding for victory.

Where the high mountain ranges,
meet the clouds from above,
lift off and let go.
above space-
below earth,
you follow the curvature
of the stars, the moon.

Before disappering,
into a supernova-
a shooting star.

.But I'm sick of seeing, sad women, who are stuck and hate themselves. There must be a way out for them God, if you're listening, show the world that these women are't inferior. Give them hope, joy, a new outlook on life. don't let them down.They have lived, they have dignity, they have talents to share, 'why aren't you looking after them ? Why don't you care for age ?'.

The woman is your perogative now. She sees denial in the face of the young, the young girls so eager to give their innocence, beauty and time and worth to men who treat them disrespectively and leave them empty ghosts.

Theres women who help themselves, work in supermarkets, offices and courts. They are able to fend for themselves. Only the strong shall survive; the motto goes. They look after no 1. They are the cogs that drive the machine, the backbone, the bullion.

Young women, may feel attractive and smart quick and clever but their bodies show no mercy. They like watching TV commercials, for beauty products. They're used to make you feel inferior and have no soul. What you see is what you get wit them
They're like walking mannequins.

So deadly, they control through beauty, the power, the status. They made the most of themselves in a langusge that the media knows; they're cool.


So where is the line of distinction between the woman of sorrow and the woman of gladness? I see the two sides, and all inbetween, kindness is just a weakness to be exploited, and liberty ; to take action or work a commodity.

Women don't see each other as a whole. A team or players in a game of sport, jostling about.
they don't play the games men do, they're far from home or what men call civilization. As men treat each other with 'brotherly love' commeradeship or partners in a game where women can only compete on a sexual basis.

Women are'nt the centre of mens universes, men are and women can come close to that centre, that world, if the're strong enough or intelligent enough or resilient enough, but even then women have made little impact on men as a whole. By men I mean mankind, man's territory, history.and truth or worth, pride.

I, myself am mute. I've seen life, played the game, lost it, and I'm a sponge; soaking up all the hardluck stories I come across.
I'm stuck without a voice, I want to speak out against the injustices, but I'm afraid of rocking the boat. I don't know where to start, I can only comment.

Chattle and feminists, who draws the line ? Can you really see the differance ? I've been both so where is the middleground ?
Maybe shes there but knowone can see her., a reflection, a mirage, a mummy, a tomb. She the one that knows you best, like your friend, pop idil, role model, teacher, Doctor, solicitor or Queen. Shes supreme and shes loved by all her generations.

So women, don't let yourselves down and be supreme, because your not cast-offs, you're needed by women like me !

8/7/09

The flower of a British womans garden, the gladioli, in bloom, in Summer has more dominion on earth than me.At least its outside.
I saw a woman today, who reminded me of my mother, and another who reminded me of my Grandmother. my mother had brown curly hair, small and petite, her face so sad. She wasn't ugly, far from it, but her soul was.
the pain, the bitterness, the rejection was illuminated in her face.
and as our eyes met. a long pool of blue sorrow, I averted my gaze, i did't want to see, her loss, her defeat, her lonliness.

my Grandmother was blond, she walked on heels, with stooped shoulders, blindly, bumping into passers-by, saying 'watch out punk or I'll kick you in'.
she'd seen life, been beaten and was into physical violence. her weapon of defence.

I saw there two women, as I carried the bags og shopping out of the supermarket. I could have been carrying their souls home. i felt so vulnerable, or my gain, their loss.

23/5/09


Sometimes, get angry with my boyfriend. I get irritated or narky. I love him dearly, but i wish, he was more in touch with his feminine side !!
sorry, for speaking my mind, in the previous blog. To alienate nurses and Doctors, is not what I'm about.
often you don't you don't know how lucky you are.when i was younger i had it all, now i have what i need. the last thing i want to do is to bite the hand that feeds me, i see the error of my ways.

I don't want someone there all the time, if you keep on pushing me outside of the home, I'll be your number 1 patient, first prise in the mental health show !

sometimes, I think they just like seeing you squirm [the community mental healt team]

either that or they enjoy taking the piss out of you.

They really don't know the aggro, anxiety and fear they cause; the worry.

They seem to be fairly platonic and neutral, but they are not specifying their care or role; they sit on the fence, whilst wielding a big dose of authority.

I feel helter skelter, I feel going underground or forgetful, I don't know where my boundaries are, I don't know where to draw the line.

I can only hope, they know what they're doing. sometimes occasionally things go wrong. Somethings were'nt planned or happen out of the blue.

But always you are centrestage,

an actress in a sea of dreams.

An anecdote.

I get dreams, like the ones, I've written about, in my diary and now, I've seen them on TV, like a premonition.

As faor the Mental health team, the ones you put your faith in, might be the undoing of you, how do you know they're the experts ? who knows you better than you know yourself ?

Also, living in a housing associtation flat , you don't feel at home, its like everyone owns your home and everything in it, is'n yours.you don't feel comfortable, at home, peace. you don't take pride in your home, like cleaning, maintainace and living. its not private enough.

your independence is not someone elses ticket to take advantage of you. --if you were my relative, i'd be concerned

23/4/09

Today, plenty of things happened,
Like cooking a cabbage, leaf after
leaf comes unfolded in your fingers.

Time after time.

\in me, I feel hurt, but I know,
I'm not the person, they're hurting,
Just a mirage, an image.

Deep inside, I know my own mind;
I've made it through,
I've left it behind.

So when they taunt with words so
Cutting and unkind-
I say to myself-
You too, could have been blind !
Blind to the excesses, the sleaze, the junk-

Always in a muddle,
Not knowing where to debunk.

and if You'll live to tell,
And know your own mind,
I'd say to you,
fayre thee well
Always be kind !

23/4/09

today, plenty of things happened,

like cooking a cabbage;

leaf after leaf,

comes unfolded,

in your fingers.

time after time.

In me, I feel hurt.

but I know I'm not the person

 static, is her womb.

9/4/09


Douglas is a pain.
Been for a pint--
he says,

Mind boggles at the truth!

David does my head in !
He steals and overwhelms!

Jack is a true troubadour!

I'm putting on a brave face!
Today was difficult.

Did'nt go out,
So stuck with the memories
Of yesterday-
Like a film replaying itself,
I'm stuck on rewind/rut.
When I want action/cut !


12/4/09


pardon the pun!
Theres a hole in your plum !
Early to rise
Make mine a feast of bird pies!

Where I can touch the skies,
for one of your lies!
And feel happy again;
A Brubeck reprise!!!

16/4/09


A good nurse, like Amy, will buy you sanitary towels!
She'll always endeavour to put you first, even at her own detriment.
She'll laugh and lift you out of your depression.
She'll turn every stone over, until there are no skeletons left in your closet !

A good nurse? Maybe she'll or he'll be like Denis;
Calm in the storm, golden honey in a desert.
Quick to help, slow to temper.

He'll always have patience, for that his virtue in care may be realised and established.


I admire the nurse who does all this.
In my heart , I know he's informative / a friend,
In my eyes I can see him perservering,
and recovery for his clents, is regenerative.
In my mind I know recovery is his purpose.


To all good men and women, the skies the limit !

I admire the nurse who does all this, so that I may sleep easier,
have less rows with my family and be at peace or a place of safety.

With all the adversity, I say thankyou
So that there maybe hope,
And faith, hope and charity
are clearly our purpose!

With all the sadness comes spring-

Out of the strong came sweetness.



And what I really want is the love of a good man.
A man like my psychiatrist.

A celebrity male on TV
Lives life for the cameras-
is he in love with his own image.
Can I make the grade ?

The first time ever I saw your face,
Yourself is an ocean
Cleansing deep into your soul !

I still havent found what I'm looking for

The fundamental reason
in this poem, has been overlooked.

15th of April, 2009.

Todays weather is rain!

Feeling shaky, tired, heavy!

gilledwards

4/4/09





Lamb chop boiled stew.


Trip to Germany-Nena-singer.


Wiesbaden when 15.





Onions,cabbage, potatoes and lamb chops--all boiled into a stew.


Southern Germany-Wiesbaden, glass factory. First time I recognise myself, my purpose.

An affinity with the German girl of the family whose home we stayed at. Bought the German magazine like our Smash Hits come Jackie.



Bratwurst sausages, Dad cooked, in a casserole, fresh from the supermarket.

We walked beyond the village,through fields of golden corn and arrived at a farm house. saw a pen of big rabbits. There was a German farmer and his wife. I managed to talk with them, as I was learning German in school.



The farmer and his wife were welcoming, warm and special.

Dad drove the car along the Rhein river. I'd heard that sirens lured unsuspecting sailors to their end along the rocks. I knew a few modern day ones like Nena Hager and Nena who had a big hit with 99 red balloons !

Mum had to replace the coffee jug as theirs accidently got broken. Frankfurt airport was modern. The exchange family was staying in our house in the Mumbles, Swansea.
Mum bought me Kim Wildes album,'Water on glass' whilst there.

I had a great feeling, as I was not quite grown up and not quite teenager, I was somewhere in the middle and it made me feel great; as if on the point of liberation, like when the Berlin wall came down !

At the Fair wih Dave

7th May 2007.

Went to Singleton park with David, to the fair. Very nice time. A ride on the ghost train and a carvery pork roll with stuffing ! Finished Womens' Emancipation' painting today. Its the sort of painting, I'd buy myself, so I hope others will buy it !

If I'm moving I'll have to do 'Dog moon 2' soon! A bit of sciatica, left hip/leg in pain. We walked from Singleton park to Uplands. Its been a breezy day, sunny but with a wind.
Saw a little boy on the ghost train about Freds age. He smiled at me. God bless you Fred. You smart Kid !

19/2/09.

Hoover,
Passport,
Bath, Painkillers,athletes foot,
Hairdye; lighter, golden, senna

Toilet rolls

Sisters congrats card

Clothes; washing liquid.

Homebase for things;

Dustpan and brush,
Plunger,
plates,
lamps,
cutlery.

Ready Brek,

Vege burgers

More soap for bathroom.

Date
?/?/?

Memory card> buy
Johns for DVD,
Bath,
Burn CD for Jay and my sister.


I have hard stools,
making me really hard.
Constipation,
Short of breath,
cholic burping,
fits, temper and delusions.
I feel like other people can read my thoughts, am frightened, Voices putting me down, in Herd mentality, Other peoples thoughts and voices and actions , critical of me in the block of flats where I live.


Reasons for Patients Rights

I feel sometimes that carers are too personal, should I disclose my sex life with my boyfriend ?

If I always look at the bad, Its like a self fulfilling prophesy, the diagnosis'mentally ill' snowballs and before long , the skies the limit in degenerative conditions.

There should be a guideline about whats acceptable for the patients- a line you don't cross.

Embrace your difference, not reject it, people are unique and should be treated as such !


6/3/09.


A nice nurse; clear, straightforward, and kind,
A queer nurse; distraught, tempremental and blind.
All comes at you, like snow in March.
All minds made up on a concrete path.

Time, is it linear, chronological, cut in half ?
Or is it random, chaotic, a pattern like a
Jackson Pollock's splash ?

I feel sick at this craving; wanton, waiting.
I'm like a dowager, hidden away, lady.
Where is my middle ? Meeting of minds ?

They tell you to live and die.
Sporting a broken down promise.
I stand on the periphery of things,
And slowly get washed in by the
Divinity of dreams,
Made real after praying
For my family to surround me
Like a host of golden daffodils!

My Nana and Grandpa
Especially, in my time of
Need, comfort me still.
That knowledge, helps to
Complete my feelings.

10th March, 2005.

Its a thursday. Had a good nights sleep. Listening to Joan Armatradings' Greatest Hits. Wondering what the day will bring. Nice, sunny, pleasant day. Got a period. Did a painting of a parakeet last night. Its drying now. Will do Jeans painting of glasses soon. Did parakeet with fingers, did'nt use brush. Need some more Fairy Liquid, and Jeans pearlescent paint. Feeling like more tea, to drink, need sugar. I havent read papers, last weekends, Sunday Times yet.
Hope Dad, Meg and Charles are all ok. Sun is breaking through, good 'ol sun.

Thursday, Feb3 ,2005.
Spent £70 on afternoon with Meg and Charles. Bought a fountain pen for Jeans birthday in March. Listening to Motorheads 'Ace of Spades'. Been to Uplands; a tenner bought me 6 pints of milk, 40 Richmond cigerettes and two plums.
Meg and Charles called at 4pm. Felt difficult after Uplands, so put on Holly Valances, 'Footprints'; mellowed me out again. Hurt my 4th finger, left hand. 'Capricorn' by Motorhead, coolest song ever. Given Raquel photo of 'cityscape by night'. She likes it. Framed paintings of fish,fourth frame smaller than the others and gold but without mount. Drew a pot of honey for Pooh bear. Found remote for cd player. Glued pictures of Richmond cigerette packets (blue turquoise gloss veneer) and respiradone silver packaging, restored collage. Thinking about putting the three fish in water paintings, on the wall, will need nails and hammer.

surviving mental health

For the past five years, I have kept a diary to do with my mental health. I was diagnosed in 1989, at 21 with schizophrenia. At first I thought they had made a mistake and was picking on me unnessarily.
However with age comes wisdom. And I now feel a lot more accepting of the mental health professionals,as I believe they really do have our best interests at heart.
Battling with it, makes you a survivor. When all is fair in love and war, its nice to know someone understands and that there are others like you, who you can take inspiration from.

I plan to put a few pages each week at a time, of the diaries. So look forward to hearing from you soon. GE