I'm 'whacky' aren't I !? I think the vast majority of mental health workers are excellent. Back in 2008, I was angry, with an axe to grind. Now, I have no hard feelings. I don't bare grudges. I wish the staff positive and gratitude, and a Happy Christmas 2011 !

^{Wednesday,16th}_{November, 2011.}

_{Thisis my life-chaos, a mess.}

_{Ismile to look good, important, confident.}

_{Mydad comes home, every so often. We meet up, in a pub called TheAdelphi, which serves roast dinners, on a Sunday.}

_{Myson, is adopted. I get a photo and letter, once a year. This year,2011, he's standing on a beach, with a spade. In the photo, he's verytall and handsome. He's smiling. My sister, Aneira and Partner Tomhave just had a baby boy, they've called Dylan. My two youngestsisters; Tegwen and Aneira are posing in a small family photo takenby my Father in Aneiras house in Middlesex. Its a lovely photo.}

_{Myartwork, done when I was 17, is of a nude, or a life drawing of alady. It was done at art college. The B(tec) national diploma in artand design at Alexandra Road, Swansea. I was awarded a pass withmerit. The life drawing is of a life model, with her back to us,pushing her arms forward, above her head, against a wall. It was donein charcoal. Her bum or posteria is very plump ! She's a thin, quitemuscley woman, fit and toned.}

_{Dennis,my best friend says the life drawings are my best pieces. Her back isturned away from us, you can’t see her face .She’s pushingagainst a wall, her arms as if bound by the wrists. It’s quite sadomasochistic!}

_{Thenext is a print, I did at Central Saint Martins College in London. Icalled it ‘Spanish Eyes’. It’s of a woman, lying on her side,looking at us, like a sexualised Madonna. It’s a red backgroundwith a blackand white figure. It’s a repeat print. Her lip colour contrasts;red, green, red, green. It’s very provocative but also ethnic, likea Rastafarian symbol. In fact, a Rastafarian girl wanted to swop itfor one of her prints at college. She liked it so much !}

_{Thenext picture is of a Venus, in front of a full silver moon. A foxbefore her, a deer to her right. A bluebird, emitting from her soul,representing her spirit. It’s a very dreamy, floaty type picture.With gases, and steam as if of earth seen from space. The woman,Venus, represents frail or feminine beauty. Divine being, sensitive,the woman as the world.}

_{Thenext is a print of a fish. Or rather a little fish protected by abigger fish..}

_{Jackqui,at Connect, called it the ‘Ying and Yang’ symbol. I rather it is,a Mother’s protection of an infant. It’s a wood block print, Idid in Connect. As I was doing it, the others there exclaimed ‘it’sgood, really good !’ Positive feedback on the spot meant it wasmorally good not just visually but what it represented, it’smessage- the love of a mother who puts her child first.}

_{Dennismy best friend wanted a print of it framed, then Gwyn, his upstairsneighbour. I gave one copy framed to the Orchard Centre. I managed tofind really good frames, that suited it, in Wilkinsons. Also Llanfairhouse, had a copy.}

_{Thenext picture is a funny one. It’s of me nude in the mirror. So it’sa self portrait of myself as a life model. It’s funny because Ilook ‘stumpy’ in it, odd, a little ‘dinky’. It came about,after watching a profile of a lady artist on TV. I thought ‘howcould I keep myself chaste ?’ So many sexy men out there, but Iwant to be something more than sexy- a little bit of fluff. I don’twant to sleep with them, but am tempted, so I’ll improve my moralpreserve. I’ll paint myself, the way they’d see me as if I hadslept with them and see what I’ve got !}

_{SoI did.}

_{AndI have to admit, I’ve not got the model’s body. The face isyoung, the body more like that of my Grandmothers.}

_{Butit is beautiful, in a worn down, naïve, human way. It is sympatheticto all those women who are imperfect, and find fault with theirlooks. As if ‘ugly’ is ‘beautiful’.}

_{Andthat’s why I like it. It is honest. And that adds gist to the moralfibre of my character, it edifies me, keeps me sane, keeps me strong!}

_{Nextare three ‘zany’ paintings I did, on leave from Cefn Coedpsychiatric hospital in 2008.Basically, I was so fed up with 3 malemembers of staff, I was so indignant with rage, at them and how I wastreated, I sketched with paint, straight onto the canvas theircharacters or how I saw them.}

_{Itwas like a Holler! It was like Holy Hell, but the paintings seemed towork. The revulsion and vile sentiments hit you, as you’re drawninto what on the surface seems pleasant and eye catching. Underneath,the impression is revulsion, and horror !}

_{Likebeing blasted with cold water in the chilling light of day, theseghouls appear to aid and abet you, kill or cure. The double edgedsword of the mental health professionals call of duty. There exists aparadox, a pivotal point at which ’you say, but you don’t say,you act but you don’t act’ It’s strange, I’m not trained inthe mental health profession, but I observe as an artist. A pivotalpoint of paradox.}

_{‘youdo but you don’t do’---}

_{‘doas I say not as I do’}

_{Thechaos and brutality, I felt on that ward is on canvas, for all tosee.}

_{‘Thismust never happen again’ a friendly nurse, later said.}

_{Thefinal piece is inspired by the colour ‘green’. Green as inrecycling, the Green movement, Greensleeves music. Goodness knowswhat !}

_{Iwasn’t trying to achieve anything in particular, but the overalleffect is what is important--like small things make a whole.}

_{So,come with me into the murky depths of pond life, aquatics andmermaids !}

_{Foetalmermaids, a lizard, seaweed, purple wool seaweed, fish, fish tails,hair and a crown of sweet wrappers. Crazy characters and adverts forgreen apples, prescription bags, a mint chocolate, a script formedicine.}

_{Isgreen medicinal ? Is it holistic ? Just an impression. The outerframe was found in a framing shop in Brynmill, Swansea. I saw it andfell in love with it.}

_{It’svery opulent, like a waltz at a ball, with chandeliers and drapedcurtains. It’s old fashioned but its so opulent. It’s so ‘la dada’, ‘yes darling’. ‘splendid darling’. It’s so pompous.}

_{Itmakes me feel good because it is so showy !}

_{Alittle Theatre, opening up the set to Act I of a famous play, rightthere on your wall. Like having a piece of Theatre on your wall. Aproduction. There’s ‘The Little Mermaid Theatre’ in London. Andthey did Theatre Studies at Central Saint Martins. The devils in thedetail, as they say.}

Like Diamonds.

You don't want to make an enemy of a family member, but you can't please all of them, all of the time ( no one can ) so be timid ?

Remember- your mother and father won't be around forever. If they pass on, whilst you have truck with them, you'll regret not making peace with them, while they were alive.

If you get caught up in things and you feel like the carpet is being pulled out under your feet, take a step backward, count to ten and chill out or relax. Do something you like doing. I put on an Abba CD.

Forever it seems, I have been telling social workers, my family consists of my Dad and three sisters.

(my mum died when I was 18) But in reality, I have two sets of uncles and aunties, six cousins, all who have countless children, all of whom I haven't been in contact with for over 20 years.

I haven't ignored them, or I haven't forgotten them, it's just we haven't been in contact.

So, stalemate, you could say. And yes, it makes me mad ! It makes me so mad, I could jump up and down with rage, and get quite gloomy and despondent.

But things do change, in wider reality – the INTERNET and freedom of information, comic relief from Kibera, Kenya. Same sex couples allowed to marry and have kids – no longer taboo, no longer in the shadows.

With this in mind, a simple letter from a long lost relative doesn't seem like like such a big or bad thing.

Remember, your family are really the people you choose to be your family, be it birth mother or adoptive mother. Those who you can trust, who bring out the best in you, and give you confidence.

Those people who are your friends, and those who mold your life in a good way; like a role model or mentor. Who put their life up for looking after and caring others. Who teach you how to cope with life and life's lessons. Those rare people are like diamonds.