Sometime last year....
The dark knight.
I'm still a human being.
It can happen to anyone of us,
Anyone can fall,
Anyone can hurt the one they love,
Cos I made a stupid mistake.
Maybe move away ?
I did'nt know what I was doing-
Not in control.
He without sin, cast the first stone,
Don't judge me.
If its on offer-they'll take it,
Like a supermarkets best buys.
They won't think about the implications;
And consequences to the human being,
They'll just see 'bargain bucket'
Their eyes flashing pound signs,
In pure lust.
But those things have made me the person, I am today.
Maybe I should go live in a monastery,
With a group of monks !
You can hurt/be hurt yourself sexually,
You can be sexually disabled.
Its horrid being used like this,
In innocense, in ignorance,
Not knowing why you're doing it,
open hearted, blind to the truth.
Sat night 20/21st March.
An ideal to aspire to.
I had a notion-that if I gave up smoking, put on a stone or two,cared for myself, kept up my appearance, wore nails, did my hair and make up, wore stylish clothes and heels and handbags-like those ladies in the pub on a night out- they were big but stylish, a group of girlfriends. If I trained for a job, gave up all this, left it behind, the art etc and worked in a normal job, as a banker ?
A female centred job.
Hair as sleek as silk-blond
and straightened and glossy and shine
And laughing all the time,
Not attracting the kind of male who loves and leaves-- one night stands, abusive males.
Only those who wanted cuddles and holding hands. Not sex but love, cuddly, comforting,caring.
'She' would'nt attract the men who wanted sex, money or drugs,
But homely, put your arms around you, old fashioned/safe love,/laughing, fun, and lovely; lovely love !
Could I be two people ? ?
Another time...
I feel beat about the head with a large, stick !
Observation;
1) Have you noticed how many cars in Swansea need a good clean and have'nt been to the
carwash ?
2) I don't know whether to run a mile and go jogging or sleep for a week !
14/02/10
Always trying to please everyone-Fit someone else's ID or idea of identity
Is that why you smoke then , to be different ?
Or is it an affectation; for lolly or because you're rich; posh spice. affected spice;
rich spice, a walnut and rum raison cake- A fruit cake, A tart, A fruity tart, a nutty cake; rich and stodgy- stuck up and stuffy .
Lists of things to do ; Tuesday 30/03/10
1) My prolactin levels are too high, so I have to see my cpn, Diane to sort it out.
2) Drs, gp's, next thursday at 11am.
3) Green painting
4) Tegs parcel post 2 tops for her.
5) buy a frame for Denis, for the life drawind I did when I was young and at art school.
6) dye hair- bought a dark blond haur dye, hate dying my hair.
7) connect visit to knit fish for green painting.
Watched tv last night low calorie recipes;
1) jacket potato, cheese beans and salad.
2) noodles with broccoli, onion, soya sauce.
Buy book from tv series 'grow your own drugs' esp for watercress recipe, can be grown at home in pebbles with mineral water in window. Abundance of vitamin c.
Digestive biscuits are low in fat.
Have to go to dentist, and holiday to Dawlish, enquire about.
Just a few more things;
1) My heart beats very fast at night just before I go to sleep. Don't know if its my tablets ?
2) Carol said Lee was a very inquisitive bright little boy. And if my ex were ever around him, and acted in a violent manner, Lee would become withdrawn and frightened. So I'm glad he was adopted.
3)What I thought were foibles are now OCD or obsesive compulsive disorder. If someone asked me to find a reason for something, I'd find three. Believing things come in three's. Plus other traits, I can't remember now.
4) Its the election soon in Uk and to sum up, I believe life under a conservative government was all work, work , work ! While under a labour government it was all rest , rest , rest !
Somewhere in between would be a good idea !
Maybe a hung parliament would not be such a bad thing.
