weds, 14/4/10.

Don't feel well, concerned, worried; ghosts from the past, haunt me. 'ghosts' in the form of men, who I have slept with, in a former self, who show up in everyday life, at the supermarket, Dr's anywhere. Make me feel, nervous, where do I know this man from ? Can't place him. Memory is difficult, memories of past forays; into the drugworld. A needle in the arm, clean or dirty ? Have I got aids, hepatitis ? Are they (the dr's) telling me the truth ?

Ten years now since last experience in bad company.,
Opening myself up to the world like an upside down umbrella,
Catching money like raindrops.

Dealt with myself so brutally; a turkey on display- a roast chicken in a plate of vegetables- for consumption.
Why ? Anger ? Revenge ? Daring ? a travesty ?

Feeling as sorry as a wet soggy blanket, thinking about such hefty work, makes me want to go into outer space.

Cry; tears of sorrow, of waste, of pain. won't bring my life back, when I made a wrong decision, at the crossroads.

Watching 'midsumer murders' on TV, makes me think how vulnerable I am; how to avoid harm, that it goes on at all worries me.

All I can say from past experience is - its a mystery, and finding yourself in life is like waking up to sunshine,
opening a new door,
solving the mystery and finally there comes peace.

Don't give everything away in one go, it's not all or nothing, save something of self, for yourself, be discerning, tempered, fair (enfranchisement).

'Cuddle therapy' an idea.

Where one person who is hurting, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, is held all night long by another, who is big and strong. Similar to the laying on of hands (healing hands )- someone strong- holding you all night long !-----' until the fear in me subsides'.