3/11/10


A baby seagull, stranded,
Squawks for it's mother....
Little bubbles of dissatisfaction,
Rising to the surface.

Parallel universes collide,

Wonder if anyone would
like to hear from me ?

Wonder ?

Maybe not.



A woman in a services

uniform from the RAF, wrens,
coloured faun, from the 1940's

Stands as an epitaph,
to a generation, lost-
Like a disabled scarecrow,
Not fending off the birds-
Who eat all the corn.

21/9/10

mmmm, don't really know what to say, off the top of my head. Most of my blog, comes from a journal or diaries, but I'll give it a go, I like a challenge. well most of Summer was a wash out, and now that its September, i really should go down, margam park to paint those lovely Autumn colours. russet reds, golden and sienna leaves and copper forests

Autumns the time of year, we notice our native wildlife, more succinctly. how they survive the coming winter months. Foraging for food, and storing it up when food is scarce.
Autumn also is the beginning of new term for thousands of students around the world.
i remember the feel of the cold, trudging down London streets, when i was a student.
I remember how it bit you, and going into department stores, just to get some warmth.

I remember it too, as it is my siters and friends birthdays, those librans, scorpios and sagitarians amongst us. i remember my mums black court shoes clomping through carpets of fallen leaves on the pavement and me a gaggly 15 year old rushing to keep up with her.
Her raven beauty and intense way she looked at you, all too soon used up and washed away.

but the new generation are coming through. my sisters children, are all growing up, beating their hands on hearts as if to say 'its me, i'm here, welcome me !' and 42 years has just flown by and life goes on.

green painting explained

I am the perenial student of art. My training and vocation, is art. I like the callback to the tradional art of draughtmanship, line and form. I have used five components in the formula for this green painting. I find the painting soporific, in that it draws out the pain in you. Also, it has health giving, healing properties. but also it is like an aquarium or a busy river bed. the five components are;
1)the background underwater.
2) the mermaids and lizard, made of pearl barley, and roses chocolate wrappers, one xmas 2006.
3)the advertisements for produce, all in the colour green, mostly bought from spar in uplands.
These were done to frame the first two (underater scene with fish and mermaids.)
4) next came the woollen, knitted seaweed and fish. i bought the wool from sewers world, swansea in 2004. Its a purple twill with pink bits, i also used other colours, knitted in objectionally.
5) and finally the frame, to draw it all in. I paid £42 to have it framed.I had it done in gallery 28 in brynmill/uplands/swansea.

All in all the piece took me five years to complete. Its something I treasure, and if I were to sell it, it would not be at less than £300.

green painting

weds, 14/4/10.

Don't feel well, concerned, worried; ghosts from the past, haunt me. 'ghosts' in the form of men, who I have slept with, in a former self, who show up in everyday life, at the supermarket, Dr's anywhere. Make me feel, nervous, where do I know this man from ? Can't place him. Memory is difficult, memories of past forays; into the drugworld. A needle in the arm, clean or dirty ? Have I got aids, hepatitis ? Are they (the dr's) telling me the truth ?

Ten years now since last experience in bad company.,
Opening myself up to the world like an upside down umbrella,
Catching money like raindrops.

Dealt with myself so brutally; a turkey on display- a roast chicken in a plate of vegetables- for consumption.
Why ? Anger ? Revenge ? Daring ? a travesty ?

Feeling as sorry as a wet soggy blanket, thinking about such hefty work, makes me want to go into outer space.

Cry; tears of sorrow, of waste, of pain. won't bring my life back, when I made a wrong decision, at the crossroads.

Watching 'midsumer murders' on TV, makes me think how vulnerable I am; how to avoid harm, that it goes on at all worries me.

All I can say from past experience is - its a mystery, and finding yourself in life is like waking up to sunshine,
opening a new door,
solving the mystery and finally there comes peace.

Don't give everything away in one go, it's not all or nothing, save something of self, for yourself, be discerning, tempered, fair (enfranchisement).

'Cuddle therapy' an idea.

Where one person who is hurting, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, is held all night long by another, who is big and strong. Similar to the laying on of hands (healing hands )- someone strong- holding you all night long !-----' until the fear in me subsides'.

Sometime last year....

The dark knight.


I'm still a human being.

It can happen to anyone of us,
Anyone can fall,
Anyone can hurt the one they love,
Cos I made a stupid mistake.

Maybe move away ?

I did'nt know what I was doing-
Not in control.
He without sin, cast the first stone,
Don't judge me.

If its on offer-they'll take it,
Like a supermarkets best buys.
They won't think about the implications;
And consequences to the human being,
They'll just see 'bargain bucket'
Their eyes flashing pound signs,
In pure lust.

But those things have made me the person, I am today.
Maybe I should go live in a monastery,
With a group of monks !

You can hurt/be hurt yourself sexually,
You can be sexually disabled.
Its horrid being used like this,
In innocense, in ignorance,
Not knowing why you're doing it,
open hearted, blind to the truth.


Sat night 20/21st March.


An ideal to aspire to.

I had a notion-that if I gave up smoking, put on a stone or two,cared for myself, kept up my appearance, wore nails, did my hair and make up, wore stylish clothes and heels and handbags-like those ladies in the pub on a night out- they were big but stylish, a group of girlfriends. If I trained for a job, gave up all this, left it behind, the art etc and worked in a normal job, as a banker ?

A female centred job.
Hair as sleek as silk-blond
and straightened and glossy and shine
And laughing all the time,
Not attracting the kind of male who loves and leaves-- one night stands, abusive males.
Only those who wanted cuddles and holding hands. Not sex but love, cuddly, comforting,caring.

'She' would'nt attract the men who wanted sex, money or drugs,
But homely, put your arms around you, old fashioned/safe love,/laughing, fun, and lovely; lovely love !
Could I be two people ? ?


Another time...

I feel beat about the head with a large, stick !

Observation;
1) Have you noticed how many cars in Swansea need a good clean and have'nt been to the
carwash ?

2) I don't know whether to run a mile and go jogging or sleep for a week !



14/02/10


Always trying to please everyone-Fit someone else's ID or idea of identity
Is that why you smoke then , to be different ?
Or is it an affectation; for lolly or because you're rich; posh spice. affected spice;
rich spice, a walnut and rum raison cake- A fruit cake, A tart, A fruity tart, a nutty cake; rich and stodgy- stuck up and stuffy .


Lists of things to do ; Tuesday 30/03/10

1) My prolactin levels are too high, so I have to see my cpn, Diane to sort it out.

2) Drs, gp's, next thursday at 11am.

3) Green painting

4) Tegs parcel post 2 tops for her.

5) buy a frame for Denis, for the life drawind I did when I was young and at art school.

6) dye hair- bought a dark blond haur dye, hate dying my hair.

7) connect visit to knit fish for green painting.

Watched tv last night low calorie recipes;

1) jacket potato, cheese beans and salad.
2) noodles with broccoli, onion, soya sauce.

Buy book from tv series 'grow your own drugs' esp for watercress recipe, can be grown at home in pebbles with mineral water in window. Abundance of vitamin c.

Digestive biscuits are low in fat.

Have to go to dentist, and holiday to Dawlish, enquire about.


Just a few more things;

1) My heart beats very fast at night just before I go to sleep. Don't know if its my tablets ?

2) Carol said Lee was a very inquisitive bright little boy. And if my ex were ever around him, and acted in a violent manner, Lee would become withdrawn and frightened. So I'm glad he was adopted.

3)What I thought were foibles are now OCD or obsesive compulsive disorder. If someone asked me to find a reason for something, I'd find three. Believing things come in three's. Plus other traits, I can't remember now.

4) Its the election soon in Uk and to sum up, I believe life under a conservative government was all work, work , work ! While under a labour government it was all rest , rest , rest !

Somewhere in between would be a good idea !
Maybe a hung parliament would not be such a bad thing.

Its not alright, that you see others,

And that I am unhappy-

like my mother was.

I don't want to put on a face.

Or made a mockery of, in public.

You lose yourself-

But in private, you cry those tears.

You are a friend, a teacher, a lover.

To whom i tell all my secrets.

But something seems to go wrong,

When i'm stuck in the house,

and you're out on the town.

I had a break, you see,

You're too much,all at

Once for me.You want to go in,

all lights charging, saying is there a problem,

Is there a crisis /

I just want peace for a while,

We're opposites, you like walking, fidgeting

And doing things.

i like to sit, eat and relax, get my composure, a second,

I don't know if you make it better or worse

You never eat and you don't relax.

Now you're telling me that opposites attract.

But to play the part for one girl-

is to play the part for them all.

You may say ' I look thinner'

But pride comes before a fall.

-------------------------------------------

But, you who are 'well,' are a part of the ratrace, which causes mental illness, a natural state to be in, when one is sick of society; when you view society as a whole as demented. If you were'nt mentally ill, there'd be something wrong.

Also, for care workers and nurses.

You can be going along with that person, putting all you've got into them, and it can backfire- because that person flips.One minute, they can be happy, but when they get tired or stressed, they can do something unexpected. Even the most predictable people have their off days ! Those raging moods like the clouds, in a tempest !